The goals from todays UEFA Supercup: Real Madrid vs. Sevilla

Real Madrid 1 - 0 Sevilla

Fuck off, Bale. Perfect cross, a good finish by Ronaldo who really couldn't help but score. Nothing else you can really say about it, just be prepared to concede goals if you give Bale that much time on the wings.

Real Madrid 2 - 0 Sevilla

You know what's a great idea if you're a goalie? Saving the shots that go directly at your fucking face. Yes, I understand that Ronaldo can hit the ball about 1,000,000 mph, but you're a professional! Maybe try saving the shots that are aimed directly at your body instead of trying to block them with your purse and expecting that to be enough? Just a thought.

Ronaldo throws his hat in the ring for hardo of the year with clap push up performance at practice

Oh sick doood!! Think you're so fucking tough because you can bang out clap pushups while all the other marshmallows on your team do regular pushups? Well how about you get those feet a little closer and get that chest to the ground before you start getting all fancy on us you dickwad. And that dolphin kick at the end? Yeah, way to go tough guy, you're the man.

 Preseason is when teamwork is most important - nobody is in shape, nobody wants to be there, and nobody wants to put in the effort to actually get back to game speed quickly, so you gotta make sure everybody is equally disappointing so nobody looks bad. Coach can't get mad at everybody, but here Ronaldo goes making his teammates look like ass holes. Vintage Ronaldo. Way to go show off, you just broke the number 1 rule of preseason.

Nigel De Jong decides to give the gift of preachy ass-holeness to Balotelli for his birthday

Twitter

Hey, De Jong, fuck off bro. Nobody likes the Buzz Killington at the birthday party who reminds the birthday boy about all the new responsibilities he's going to have now that he's a year older. Birthdays are for reckless partying and opening presents, so I think it's cool if you leave to role of party pooper to the kids mom. Not to mention I don't think anybody is going to take messages of calmness and maturity from a guy who did this very seriously.

Landon Donovan continues to poke fun at his exclusion from Brazil 2014; depressing downward spiral continues

Somebody needs to put Landon Donovan out of his misery. Why the FUCK does he continue to agree to all this extra publicity? Nobody is forcing him to be an analyst during the World Cup. Nobody is forcing him to be in commercials poking fun at the fact that he didn't make the roster for the team that he's embodied for the last decade. Does he feel like he needs to keep putting himself through this torture to prove that he really wasn't bothered by it? Because news flash Landon: your dead eyes and complete lack of charisma are kind of dead giveaways that, yeah, you're still a little upset at not going to Brazil this summer. And guess what? That's OKAY. I'd be pissed too. Just stop pretending to be cool with it and making all these light-hearted TV appearances. You're not fooling anybody and watching you put yourself through this is downright depressing.

Maradona slaps the fuck out of a paparazzi

Baller move by Maradona. You don't fuck with the king. Apparently this reporter didn't know that, but he sure as shit does now. You think Maradona is just gonna sit there idly by as he get's cuckolded by some 2 bit piece of shit paparazzi? You must be on Mars because there was 0% chance of that ever happening on earth.

Legitimately can't tell if the guy was actually making eyes at Maradona's girlfriend/ex-wife whoever it was sitting next time him, but you cant take chances in this type of situation. You see somebody eying your girl you have to come out swinging and ask questions later. Ask for forgiveness, not permission. Maradona knows what's up, and he handled this like a champ.

Eddie Johnson is taking no prisoners on twitter; BOOM roasts everyone in sight

Oh you think it's his fault that DC United lost 3-0 the other night? Lol, how many World Cups have you played in? That's what I thought, idiot, zero. He's not here to make friends, buddy, he's just here to be a mediocre soccer player and crush some losers on twitter. It's a tough life he leads, but I guess somebody has to do it. 

Eddie Johnson is like the washed up jock who still thinks he's the man because he was captain of the football team 20 years ago in high school. He's gonna ride that World Cup wave and mention it in every single conversation he has for as the rest of his life. "Oh I'm sorry officer, I was going 50 in a 35? Well I was in a World Cup so fuck you, my life rules."

Break out the smoke patrol on James Rodriguez's new cleats

Soccer Bible - adidas and FIFA officially handed over the adidas Golden Boot Trophy to Colombia’s James Rodríguez today during a short presentation in Madrid. In addition to the handover of the adidas Golden Boot Trophy, and to further commemorate this award, adidas has also produced a very limited edition piece of footwear in the form of a specially designed pair of golden miadidas adizero f50s for James Rodríguez. There are only six pairs of the miadidas golden boots in existence, one for each goal scored by Rodríguez during the tournament, and the boots include a special customisation on the side reading "top goalscorer of the FIFA World Cup”.

Sweet cleats. Flashy, stylish. Almost makes you wish they were going to be worn by somebody who's actually going to have a meaningful impact on their team this year instead of a 22 year old shoehorned into a starting lineup where he doesn't fit. I'm going to love watching Madrid's midfield get run the fuck over while Benzema, Ronaldo, Bale, and James all watch from hlaf field, waiting for the ball to get to them as Madrid concede 2-3 goals per game. But still, pretty cleats James.

p.s. If that wasn't a ringing endorsement for our new James shirts then I don't know what is! Buy now!