Germany 1 - 0 France
Somebody had a little fun assigning the mascots as Valbuena was too busy getting cuckolded in front of the entire world by an 11 year-old child to sing the national anthem.
Pogba was called for a nothing foul around midfield which turned out to suck a just little bit for French fans because Germany scored the lone goal of the game from the ensuing free kick. If you look closely you can see Hummels tossing Varane like a little bitch before breaking the hearts of millions of croissant-eating pussies. Little boy! Little boy! Welcome to the big time, Varane!
The rest of the game proved to be comparatively dull until the dying minutes where Benzema thought he had rifled the tying goal into the roof of the net, only to see Neuer stone wall the shit out of him with one of the most casually nasty saves of the tournament. No embellishment, no pizzaz, just a fuck-you-fist that's sending your last hope of advancing to the World Cup semi-finals into orbit.
Germany advances to the next round and embarrasses France on the world stage for the third time in the last century. Benzema was unimpressed by the France's limp dick performance.
On to the next game!
Brazil 2 - 1 Columbia
Colombia almost forgot their defense was appalling, so they let in an early goal that was softer than a pile of dogshit just to remind themselves. Because apparently only Brazilian defenders can score goals anymore, David Luiz decided to whip out his big dick and score an absolute screamer from 35 yards.
In typical fashion, Luiz's celebration was calm and subdued.
At this point the ESPN team commentating were giving their obituary of the Columbian team because I can only assume they hadn't seen Colombia play the whole tournament and hadn't been paying attention to how sieve-like the Brazilian defense has been the entire tournament. While they were lamenting Columbia's , James did what James does and brought Columbia back within one with a cool-as-the-other-side-of-the-pillow penalty.
The game got chippier as it went on and culminated in Neymar getting rhino humped into submission by Columbian defender Zuñiga. Leading with your knee and fucking up the rest of his World Cup? Fuck it, no foul.
Brazil managed to squeak by and advance yet again without playing particularly well and will be without their two best players, Neymar and Thiago Silva, for their semi-final game against Germany. All indications point to a German win, but with the way Brazil has been grinding out results and a little luck (read: help from referees) you can't rule anything out.
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