Argentina 1 - 0 Switzerland (AET)
Before the game which resulted in millions of Americans assuring themselves they didn't actually care about a sport where a country the size of Maryland could dominate the USA, Argentina played Switzerland for a place in the quarterfinals. Due to a combination of Switzerland remaining organized in defense and 10 Argentinian players forgetting they had a game to play, it took until the 118th minute for Messi to slalom past several defenders and slide the ball to Di Maria, who slotted it home at the far post.
And the games over! Argentina wins! Oh wait, there was still enough time for the Argentine defense to realize they still suck and almost give away their lead in the 120th minute of the game. Switzerland player is completely unmarked and somehow contrives to not only miss the net, but he's too off balance to direct the rebound towards goal so the ball bounces out for a goal kick.
120 minutes of soccer and all you really needed to see were the final 2.
By the way, this guy gave every single person in the stadium nightmares for the next several months, so that was cool.
Belgium 2 - 1 USA (AET)
Tim Howard saved a record 16 shots as Belgium dominated the United States, but somehow the US fashioned a chance in the last minute of the game to pull out a heroic 1-0 victory!
Except wait, at the very last moment Wondolowski realized that all his years being a passable MLS player didn't actually prepare him for the world stage, so he decided to shank it 10 rows into the stands. Except the ref called it offsides, so it didn't matter. Except he was really onsides and the offsides call was egregious, but wait it didn't matter because Wondolowski sucks and he missed anyway. What were we talking about?
Oh yeah, De Bruyne picked up the ball in the box and beat Howard about 30 seconds into overtime before Lukaku smashed in an insurance goal 10 minutes later to ensure the Belgians would coast to victory.
Klinsmann then subbed on Julian Green because fuck it, it doesn't matter anyway, except wait Green finally decides to look like an actual soccer player instead of a diabetic toddler who accidentally wandered onto the field and scored a great goal to pull the United States within 1.
Oh yeah, and Bradley made his first good pass only about 500 minutes into the tournament.
But then the US had their moment of glory as the ball fell to Dempsey, the US's savior and clear Ballon d'Or frontrunner, directly in front of goal for him to slot it home!
Except that Courtois is a fucking monster and Dempsey decided he didn't even really feel like scoring that much anyway, meaning the game ended 2-1 for the waffle aficionados.
In all reality it was a valiant effort by the USA against a team that was clearly several levels above them as far as individual quality goes. Oh well, only 4 years until the next one, Russia 2018!
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